Censor

Things to work on in next revision:

1 – Proofread – read out loud – standard PROCESS

2 – Correct MLA Parenthetical Formatting – PARENTHETICAL GOES AT END OF SENTENCE, LIKE THIS (SOURCE).

* PLEASE NOW REVIEW MY D2L MODULE ON CORRECT PARENTHETICAL USAGE, SHOULD TOTALLY HELP RIGHT NOW WHERE YOU ARE AT IN THIS STAGE OF REVISION. 

3 – Parenthetical Totals – We are aiming for 3-4 parenthetical PER body paragraph, you have 2 in most of your body paragraphs – and they are high quality. Your parenthetical totals per paragraph are 3,2,2,2 – But I would like to see your totals be 3-4 parenthetical PER body paragraph. So extending and developing the body paragraphs a little bit more. And adding a little more data and sources, a little more Logos.

** AND – please make sure to AVOID heavy reliance on one source.   

** I always recommend students AVOID heavy 1 source reliance, in any single body paragraph.

* In other words, aim for 2 or max 3 of the same source in any single body paragraph, but to be clear, you can use that same source again in the next paragraph, just again, not more than 2-3 times… Source variety does help reader / audience with engagement…

** We are still aiming for 3-4 TOTAL parenthetical PER Body Paragraph. So we will need to add a little data, evidence, Logos, and parenthetical etc… to the body paragraphs.

3 – Overall body paragraph length – at least one of yours is brief (4th body par), a little choppy still… Let’s aim for 8-12 sentences PER body paragraph. 

4 – AVOID heavy reliance on one source.  – YOUR 2ND, 3RD AND 4TH BODY PARS ALL HAVE ONLY ONE SOURCE USED IN EACH, LET’S AIM FOR MORE VARIETY OF SOURCES PER BODY PARAGRAPH.

5 – Work Cited page – almost correct MLA formatting, but EACH Source still needs the Date Accessed by you, at the end of each entry.

6. Transition Words & Phrases – Some / Most of your paragraphs could use Transitions Words & Phrases to begin, in the paragraphs too, improves flow. Bodies and Conclusion. (I do like your use of “Furthermore” on page 2). 

*( Please use same D2L Module w Transition Word List AND Web-links)

7. Potential Bonus Paragraphs – your essay and argument are improving, but some nice touches near the end of an argument paper can include a brief personal opinion / editorial or personal experiences w the topic paragraph, a Counter-Argument, an Analogy, and / or a Statement of Benefit, to name a few… (You do already have a brief personal opinion before Conclusion…)

* (please use COLORED HILITER NOW for ALL revisions, edits, corrections, changes, etc… thanks…) 

Final grade, Persuasive Essay #1 = We are in the PROCESS and improving with each draft!

* I will look for a revision here ASAP! w Colored Hiliter please for all revisions, thanks.