College Undergraduate Admissions Essay – Personal Statement

Please help with rewriting and editing my undergraduate college admissions personal statement to be compelling, clear, and illustrate who I am and how my experiences thus far have shaped me to pursue a 4-year degree at a prestigious university. A succinct statement that provides the admissions board with an authentic picture of who I am and what I would bring to the school community.

Essay DRAFT Below:

Shesright, I could have written about butterflies, but theres a reason I won’t…

Everyonesperspective is as unique as their fingerprint, our views and ambitions arecultivated by a series of experiences nearly impossible to reproduce. Thepeople around you have their own backgrounds that inevitably influence theirperspective. Locations have their own unique history and consequently identity.Both have shaped me into who I am today.

 

Ivehad the same audiobook list since the time I was 8 years old. When my dad wasyoung, his childhood never put a precedent on education. His love of learninghad to be nurtured by his own intellect and conscious potential, so makingeducation and free thinking a priority for me and my brother was always in hismind. So it was no surprise that in elementary school I spent my daysasphyxiating butterflies and quizzing my 6 year old classmates on the theory ofevolution. My short-lived determination to hold any occupation that ended in isthad a lasting impact seeing opportunity in learning how the world works, whythe world works, has instilled in me an absolute value on knowledge andcontinued self-improvement. Remaining curious your entire life allows you tofind passion in almost anything you do, and this was beautifully modeled by myfather. The interesting thing about perspective, is that ones perception of asituation can often matter more than anything else.

 

Mybrother has Aspergers. To me he was just my brother, and any attempt to treathim differently because of a medical term would have seemed wrong. Ive come torealize though those personal challenges are not an excuse for actions. Logiccomes very easy to my brother; empathy is almost insurmountable. Learning howhe thinks allowed me insight into why he reacts the way he does, it evenallowed for a brief period where our familial connection began to heal, but in reality,it was so fragile that one argument over object placement was the catalyst forchange. As trivial as it may appear on paper, the couch being 2 inches beyond mybrothers desired location brought him to threats of physical violence. My understandingof emotional limitations, fundamental differences, and structure that couldwithstand adversity was an opportunity for profound growth in hindsight. Thoseexperiences established a strong foundation with clear personal boundaries and allowedme to accept that attempts to change someone to fit within the confines constructedby another is a fools game. Understanding, for me, is not an excuse for him.Like most things though, positive almost always comes from the negative.

 

Myparents separated and conflict with my brother continued throughout my highschool years. I use this as an opportunity to pursue greater independence byfrequenting New York where my father now lives, which has enriched my life in aprofound way. For most of my life I have been surrounded by like-minded people,people who are rigid in their beliefs and not open to change. The city, morethan anything, has shown me what it is like to be surrounded by diversity, diversityin thought, ethnicity, socioeconomic position, and values. An environment that embodiesauthenticity in a way like no other.

 

Myperspective has been shaped by these experiences. My dads love for how theworld works has transferred to me in the form of love for how the world runs. Ihave found this wonderful combination at my legal internship and hope toexplore this potential path at my chosen university. My brothers intellectcomes with an EQ deficit. Watching him struggle with hard work andrelationships has established my pursuit of balance and empathy. Humanrelations are at the core of life, every aspect of living involves connectionsand authenticity. I seek to be surrounded by different ways of thinking,different ways of living in order to provide opportunities forself-improvement. When I read this essay to my mother, her response was, whycouldnt you just write about butterflies. My answer, theres so much beautyin complexity so Id be doing myself a disservice by pretending to lead a flawlessexistence. I have so much more to learn, but Im constantly evolving and mycontribution to the world has only just begun.