I’ve attached a draft for my MBA essay. I’ve included some notes throughout that I’d like you to work through/rework. I’d like you to revise per the notes included in the essay and make sure that any changes satisfies the tips below for the essay. Also, the school values creativity and personality, so if you find any ways to add additional "flavor" in the essay please do. 
Use the application essay to speak toward your passion: will you have interesting stories and opinions to contribute to the case discussions? Will you involve yourself in the broader school community? Do you have the drive to achieve ambitious things after you graduate? At the end of the essay, the reader should feel so moved they want to meet you immediately – can’t wait to get to know you better, hear more of the story, ask you specific questions to learn more, be inspired, etc, 
  • This MBA program has always focused on leadership and loves candidates with a track record of leadership impact and future potential. 
  • Your goal is to demonstrate a success trajectory to indicate upper management potential. And, your path should show a passion for impact in both business and society. 
  • Your essay should have what I refer to as the “thread of continuity” that will serve as a unifying theme. 
  • In the process of storytelling, the details are everything. Avoid the temptation to qualify your experience or tell the readers what they are supposed to think. Show them instead.

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